"And afterward they asked for a king; so God gave them Saul the son of Kish, a man of the tribe of Benjamin, for forty years. And when He had removed him, He raised up for them David as king, to whom also He gave testimony and said, ‘I have found David the son of Jesse, a man after My own heart, who will do all My will."
Acts 13:21-22
What does it take to be a princess after God's heart? What do I need to do to be seen by the Lord or to be accepted by him? These are questions that I asked myself multiple times and I did not have an answer for it until recently. For many years I struggled with my identity in Christ. My heart longed for the Lord, I wanted to be close to him but my past kept pulling me away from him. I felt so much fear for years, I was afraid to be rejected by the Lord. I started this blog in 2019 but it wasn't until now that I found the courage to fight against those fears, to make amends with my past and confess what was keeping me away from the Lord. So here I am, for the first time, confessing the truth with the rest of the world in hopes to be of help and testimony to women that went through similar experiences.
For a long time I lived in sin while I was in church. I was not a regular member. Since I got baptized when I was 14 years old, I worked as a leader inside the church. I became a preacher and a teacher of God's word. Sadly, when I went to college darkness knocked at my door and I let in. During those first two years in college I struggled with my classes. I was used to always have good grades and out nowhere I was failing almost all my classes. On top of that, multiple things happened at church that hurt me badly. The situation inside my home was not good either. My parents were struggling financially and as the oldest child I felt the pressure to step up, be an example for my siblings and help my family. I decided to put my feelings aside and ignore what was happening in my heart. Hate and anger grew inside me until I could not stand it anymore, and I decided that I was not longer going to be perfect, I was not longer going to be the good girl. In that moment, it didn't make sense to me to be good when everybody was thinking the opposite. I was tired of hearing all the reason of why I was not a good daughter or a good Christian. I was tired of being rejected and hurt. The devil knew how I was feeling, so he decided that it was the perfect opportunity to trap me.
A friend from my past emailed me and we reconnected. His friendship felt like air, it gave me the space to breathe and vent about everything I was going through. We started texting every night. It felt good to have someone's attention. One night, I was feeling really depressed and frustrated and when I told him how I was feeling, he offered me a solution to release everything. That night he asked me to masturbate. I didn't know what that was or how to do it, so he guided me and showed me how to do it. From that night on, we began to have sex through text messages, and our relationship went from a regular friendship to one of friends with benefits. It became our thing, almost every night that's what we did. For. me, it became an addiction. Every time I was feeling strong emotions, I used that as my release mechanism.
But one night, everything changed for the worst. I was sitting on the floor in my room and I felt something breaking inside me. I instantly knew that the bond between me and the Lord broke that night, and I felt the Holy Spirit leaving me. I cried all night. In that instant, I realized what I was doing. Unconsciously I was blaming God for everything bad that happened and I was angry at him, and I was sinning on purpose to release that anger. But that night, I woke up. As soon as I felt the Lord leaving me, my conscience came back and I fell deeply. My heart broke down completely and my soul was totally destroyed. For the first time in my life, the Lord was not with me and it hurt me so bad that it I didn't want to live anymore.
For years I tried to escape from that condition but I couldn't. I was so deep in the darkness that couldn't see an exit from it. The bondage was strong and the more I tried to fight, the stronger it became. I fell into a deep depression and anxiety. Everything worsen after one night when I forced to do it. I didn't want to continue behaving in that manner but that person told me he was going to post everything if I didn't do it. After that I kept doing it out of fear, I was very afraid. I couldn't stop thinking about the consequences of having that information out there I began having panic attacks almost every night. I had visitations of demons in my dreams and sometimes when I was awake too. I thought I was going to lose my mind. I was tempted to commit suicide for a long time. One second of anger became 10 years of torment.
But the Lord never gave up on me. During those years he kept sending people to reach me. He never told anyone what I was doing. He never left entirely. From a short distance he kept taking care of me. He waited for me patiently. In 2023 I got tired of being away from him, I missed him so much, so I finally decided to give to him my darkness. After two days of fasting, the Lord made me free completely. He saved me and my love for him is deeper and greater than it was before.
This experience damaged my identity, that why I did not know how to be a princess after his heart, but studying the story of David, I found the answer I needed. God rejected Saul because after he sinned, he did didn't repent. He disobey God and never showed any signs of repentance. Then, God called David to be king instead. David loved God deeply. He was one with the Lord. He follow the Lord in all his ways until one day he also sinned. David like me hided his sin and became anxious and depressed as a consequence. Death entered his home and for a long time he lived in torment, but he repented. David came before the Lord and asked for his forgiveness. He gave himself to the Lord and the Lord freed him.
This is the reason of why God chose him. David's heart was humble and he knew that without God he was no one. He knew how to humble himself before the Lord and accepted his correction. In the other hand, Saul basically told God that He was wrong. When Samuel confronted him, he denied his sin, didn't accept his correction and tried to manipulate the situation in his favor. So, who is a princess after God's heart? It is a woman that recognize before the Lord when she makes a mistake. It is a woman that humbles herself before the Lord and recognize that he is God. It is a woman that does not take God's glory for herself. She knows that without him, she cannot do anything. She knows that without him she can't be free and saved. A princess after God's heart recognize him as her Lord and Savior. She accepts him as her Father. She lets his light shine inside her and gives him space to grow in her. A princess after God's heart knows how to love because she knows she was loved when she was in that darkness. God loved David so much that he had not other option but to love him back. Same thing happened with me. God loved me so much, that after everything he did for me to rescue me from that darkness, I had not other option but to fall in love completely with him. Now he gave me back my identity. I am child of God after his heart, because I chose to love him more than myself and more than my sin.
~Gloriangeliz Solano
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